Every team has them -- team dysfunctions -- and they can drive you crazy. Worse than that, they can sabotage any chance your team has for success because they wear down morale and interfere with getting the job done. You may have a team member who shoots down every idea with a roll of his eyes, or a team that agrees on everything quickly to avoid conflict. The problem may be a team member who seems always to have just one more off-the-agenda story to tell, or a team that lacks one of the most essential components of team success -- trust. A winning team must learn how to diagnose their problems and get themselves back on track.

The notes in this reading are a mirror. If you see your own team in these notes -- good! that's half the challenge. Now, take what they teach you back to your team and practice doing it right.

About Conflict

Teams come up against many obstacles that impede their progress. They may not have the right players, the best mix of complementary skills, adequate support and resources, or effective leadership. These are just some of the hard-core, clear obstacles they face. Highly motivated teams are generally willing to dig in and tackle these barriers; their attitude is, "Here's what's holding us back; let's do something about it." But when teams come up against conflict, team members seem to suffer from paralysis. Uncomfortable with acknowledging the discord, they are powerless to resolve it. This is very unfortunate because conflict is the biggest block teams face; yet it is an obstacle that teams can overcome independently. They are totally empowered to fix it themselves.

There are two types of conflict you will experience throughout the life of your team. They're similar to the conflicts you experience in family life and social life. There's work-related conflict: differences of opinion that come about when you're making decisions about things like resource allocation, role responsibility, work performance, and so on. If you spend time discussing these issues and are truly willing to listen and understand the other person's needs, you can usually come to an amicable agreement. This second type of conflict is personality related. It has to do with behavior. Did you ever think, "If he does that one more time, I think I'll kill him!"

The only way to resolve personality conflicts is to let people know what their behavior is and how it affects you. Personality conflicts are more difficult to resolve than work-related conflicts. It's easier to discuss opinions than it is to discuss behavior; but when someone's behavior seriously threatens the team's productivity and cohesiveness, you must address it. The next Note The Power of Constructive Negative Feedback offers one way to approach this.

The paralyzing effect of conflict seems to be related to the size of the conflict, and conflicts have a way of growing. The longer we try to bury them, the bigger they get. What starts off as a slight difference of opinion becomes "the principle of the thing", and a minor, somewhat annoying personality trait leads to an intense dislike of the person exhibiting the trait. Once the conflict reaches these proportions, resolving it seems almost impossible. They key is to address it immediately. Don't feed conflicts with time. Don't give them a chance to grow.

Conflicts is disconcerting; it makes us uncomfortable. Yet if we look at conflict with a clinical eye, we will see it as one of life's natural and neutral experiences. It's only when we attach our view to the experience that it becomes positive or negative. If we view conflict as something that shouldn't be happening on our team, something that will cause our relationships to deteriorate, then it becomes negative. And if we see it as negative, we tend to avoid it, smooth it over, sweep it under the rug, and hope it will go away. Conversely, if we view conflict as something that's bound to happen on any team and see it as an opportunity to strengthen our relationships, then it becomes positive. Seeing it in this light, we surface it, confront it, and take the steps necessary to resolve it. We get what we expect in each case. When we ignore conflict, the net effect is negative. When we resolve conflict, we become stronger as a team.

The Power of Constructive Negative Feedback

Feedback is a described reaction to someone else's behavior. Feedback is negative when the effect of the behavior is negative; feedback is positive when the impact of the behavior is positive. Whether feedback is negative or positive, it should be given in a way that is useful to the recipient -- that is, it should be constructive feedback.

There are ways to deliver negative feedback without having it come across as an attack, and when you present it in this constructive way, it truly is a gift. Constructive feedback strengthens relationships, enhances communication, and resolves conflict. When we first attempt to use this model for giving feedback, it pays to plan our remarks in advance; left to our own devices, we're likely to blurt out a personal attack. Then we have to backtrack, apologize ("I didn't mean what I said"), and try to get the relationship back on track. That's what we're trying to avoid.

Here are the five steps I recommend for giving constructive feedback:

1. Let your teammate know you want to give him feedback. This accomplishes two things; first, it focuses the communication so that he can prepare to listen; second, it gives him an opportunity to postpone the discussion if the timing is bad for him. If he does want to postpone, be sure to schedule a specific time. Don't settle for "later".

2. Describe the situation when the behavior occurs. It's important to keep your feedback in precise context. For example, "Sally, when we played golf yesterday there were three times when...," or "John, twice this past week...," Stay away from words like "always" and "never". If you say, "John, you're always late for our meetings", John will likely become defensive and attempt to prove that there have been occasions when he was on time.

3. Describe your teammate's behavior. Behavior is an act we can see or hear; anyone who witnessed it would agree that it happened. Steer clear of colorful modifiers that impute motive or attitude, such as "uncooperative", "surly", or "disrespectful". Just tell the person exactly what you saw or heard her do. For example, "Sally, when we played golf yesterday, there were three times when you began talking in the middle of my backswing". Describing behavior neutrally does not come naturally to us; we are more apt to head for colorful, blaming words like, "Sally, you never think of anyone but yourself", or "Sally, you're so inconsiderate". Describing the person's behavior keeps the feedback objective and prevents it from becoming a personal attack. Sally can listen to me describe her behavior; but she would quite understandably become defensive with short-cut emotional language.

4. Describe the consequence or impact of the behavior. A consequence can be an observable result or it can be a feeling. This description is especially important because behavior itself is often neither positive or negative. It's important to refer to the behavior and not to the person; use the neutral pronoun: "it makes me feel...," and not "Joel, you make me feel..."

5. Offer a suggestion or recommendation--for example, "Sally, I'd appreciate your remaining quiet while I'm swinging," and "John, it would really help if you could be punctual at our meetings." There may be times when you don't have a specific suggestion. It's important in these cases to suggest that you get together to discuss and resolve the issue: "I don't know what to suggest here, but between the two of us I'm sure we can resolve this. I'd like to do that now or set a date for us to get together."

If we give negative feedback in this constructive manner, we increase the probability that the person will receive the feedback without becoming defensive. If we have stayed objective, been specific, and confined our objection to the behavior, not the person, we have done our best.

Receiving Feedback

No matter how tactful we are, however, there are no guarantees of success. Sooner or later, we are going to be on the other end of this interaction, so it's equally important to know how to receive feedback. When this time comes, the following rules can help.

1. Make this mental note to yourself: Do Not Defend!

2. Paraphrase the message to confirm that you have understood. For example, Sally might say, "Joel, I understand that you take golf pretty seriously and you really need to be focused. My talking while you're swinging really throws you off and you want me to stop doing it".

3. Thank your teammate for the feedback. When someone gives you feedback in a constructive way, it is meant to be a gift. The person values the relationship enough to want it to be positive and doesn't want your behavior to get in the way. When you consider the anxiety of giving someone negative feedback, you have to appreciate the value of feedback as a gift: "Thanks for letting me know."

4. Comment on the suggestions/recommendations. Let your teammate know whether changing your behavior is something you are willing and able to do, as in, "Moe, that's no problem to me; I can do that," or from John, "I'm afraid I can't be on time for our Tuesday meetings."

5. Offer facts if appropriate. At time there is an understandable reason for your teammate's behavior; remember that these reasons must be facts, not opinions. John may reply, for example, "For the last three weeks I have had to attend special meetings on project XYZ which, as you know, is important to our team. These meetings have run late and that's why I've been late for our team meetings. There's not much I can do about this but believe me I do consider our team meetings top priority."

It's very important that paraphrasing be the first step in the process and offering facts be the last. That's because we need first to make sure we understand the message; if we offer the facts up front, there's a good chance that our approach will come across as being defensive.

Positive feedback should be given in the same constructive manner. When people do something with a significantly positive impact, you want them to know precisely what they did so they can repeat the behavior. Too often we just say, "Hey, great job," or "That presentation was really super". Although that's music to our teammates' ears, they have no idea why their presentation was so effective and haven't learned anything from the feedback.

Whether the feedback is positive or negative, we need always to deliver it constructively and receive it as the give it truly is meant to be. For more ideas on giving and receiving feedback, see the reading Preparing Management Incidents (Session 2).

What Builds or Destroys Trust?

Trust among team members is critical if a team is to grow and develop into a high-performing unit. Trust takes a long time to develop and is always subject to breakdown. In other words, trust is a crucial, high-maintenance quality of successful teams.

The following statements summarize behaviors that can get in the way of your trusting one another. "I can't trust you when..."

"you say you will do something and you don't do it. If you commit to doing something, I expect you to come through".

"you don't say what's on your mind. If you don't agree with me, let me know. I hate trying to second-guess you".

"you don't know the answer to my question and you make one up. If you don't know the answer, level with me. I don't expect you to know everything".

"you know in advance that you will miss a deadline, but you don't tell me. If you let me know, I can usually readjust, or if there's a problem, I may be able to help".

"you won't share your expertise".

"you have information that you can and should share and you don't share it".

"I tell you about a problem and you blow up. Don't kill the messenger".

If you sense that trust among members on your team is a little shaky, try this "complete the sentence" exercise with them. It's a good way to get the issues out on the table. Of course, it's only a first step. Certain behaviors erode trust, so it's critical that the team do something to facilitate behavioral change. One way to do this is to encourage those team members who are experiencing a lack of trust in their relationship to give feedback to each other about the behavior that is getting in the way. It's important that the person giving the feedback do it in a constructive manner and the person receiving the feedback do it in a constructive manner and the person receiving the feedback take in nondefensively. (Follow the steps outlined earlier in The Power of Constructive Negative Feedback.)

Another strategy that works well is to establish specific team ground rules that prohibit behaviors that get in the way of your trusting one another. Examples of some simple, but powerful, team ground rules include:

Have fun!

Do not have any side conversations during meetings.

Be receptive to all ideas; paraphrase the idea to confirm understanding before rejecting the idea.

Begin and end meetings on time.

Arrive on time for meetings.

Respond out loud.

Do not finger-point or assign blame for problems; every problem is a team problem.

Take turns speaking; only one person speaks at a time.

Do not interrupt.

Obtain closure on discussion topics and make decisions.

Make team meetings a priority. Unless there is an emergency, all members are expected to attend.

Take responsibility for calling time-outs; every team member should do so when he or she notices dysfunctional behavior.

Ask for help when you need it; doing so is not a sign of weakness.

Be honest, say what's on your mind -- it's all right to push back and disagree.

Stay focused on the task at hand.

Celebrate successes.

Honor your commitments; if you say you'll do something, do it. If you can't, don't say you can. If you have committed to do something and a problem arises that will prevent you from coming through, let us know in advance.

If your work is completed and another team member is overloaded, offer your help.

Resolve conflicts with other team members without delay and without discussing it with others.

Encourage full participation by inviting quieter members into the discussion.

Whenever we make a decision, immediately determine the action items necessary to implement. Everyone participates and takes ownership of action items.

Share failures; it's an opportunity for the team to self-correct and improve.

Use consensus for all major team decisions.

Give positive feedback regularly; tell members they've done a great job.

Give negative feedback constructively.

Receive negative feedback non-defensively.

Summarize and clarify all team decisions at the end of the meeting to ensure understanding.

Distribute advance agendas stating the purpose of every meeting so members can come prepared.

Share all the information you have; it's better to err by sharing too much information than too little.

Stay focused on your team goals by asking, "Are we working on the right things?"

Manage Your Differences

I don't know who coined the phrase "opposites attract", but it doesn't ring true for me. Opposites clash, at least initially. If we can get past the noise and begin to look at our differences as making us a stronger whole, we are well on our way to building a winning team. Quite often our differences in personality and style complement each other, once we can see them as strengths.

Your team members' style differences are a natural resource for your team. Like any other resources available to you -- money, equipment, and information -- they need to be managed effectively.

Take an inventory of your resources. Do you have both broad overview and detail-oriented thinkers, introverts and extroverts, analytics as well as intuitioinists? Are some of your members "charge ahead folks" while others need to mull something over before acting? How about communication styles: do you have highly expressive members as well as those who are more quiet and reserved?

Once you've identified these rich resources, take a close look at how you're using them, even if you're using them. I've seen many teams benefit from discussing this topic at a team meeting. Do you tune people out who are different from you or do you honor and respect their differences? Are members willing to adjust their styles? Are your personality differences getting in the way -- impeding your team's progress? Or are you using all these resources to advantage, deploying them at the right time and in the appropriate situations?

Name your differences, honor you differences, and manage them.

Don't Take It Personally

Team members often say, "He takes every criticism of his ideas so personally. Why does he always have to internalize it?" They also say, "It's okay to criticize the idea; you just shouldn't criticize the person". But you can't separate a person from his idea.

Each of us is the sum of our parts. We think, act, create, and can destroy using all we have absorbed through our lives. These parts really can't be separated from the whole. Each piece is still us and the whole is held together in a delicate balance of these parts -- ready to fracture with ease. Our ideas are born from our experience and it is nearly impossible to separate an idea from the self. Let me share an example.

We put forth ideas to have them considered, to have others weigh their merit, their value. With the offering of an idea comes the person. Ideas, as personal creations, need to be handled with care. A negative response or criticism is a personal thing. I am the idea, the idea is I. If an idea is tagged "stupid", what else can I do but feel that I am "stupid"?

Ideas are fragile extension of fragile creators. When we share an idea we share ourselves, our strength and our vulnerability. People and their ideas are one. We are more cohesive and productive as a team when we critique ideas in a caring way. Put yourself on the other side. Ask yourself, "How do I best accept the criticism of others?"

The Talk-A-Thon

Some teams talk about it a lot. Like the Energizer battery, they just keep going, and going, and going. They don't seem to know how to bring a discussion to closure and make a decision.

You can almost always tell when a team is in the grips of a talk-a-thon. The first clue comes from a most unlikely place. Take a peek under the table. Some members are engaged in fancy foot work. With their toes serving as a foundation, they get their knees pumping in such a quick, rhythmic, energized motion you can feel the floor vibrate. Most personality assessment inventories list these knee pumpers as "drivers." They simply want to get on with it; they don't believe in a lot of discussion in the first place. They've heard enough to feel it's time to move the discussion along, change the topic, or make a decision.

Another clue is visible above the table. Members who don't usually doodle are drawing pictures they never believed imaginable and they've become totally engrossed in their newfound artistic talents. These members are not necessarily drivers; they believe a certain amount of discussion is worthwhile but they are becoming impatient and have lost interest.

There are two more clues. The number of members involved in the discussion has dwindled to maybe two or three and they are beginning to repeat themselves. And those members not engaged in knee pumping, doodling, or talking are very silently rolling their eyes or staring into space. They are trying their best to give a covert signal that it's time to move on.

Pay attention to the clues. It's time to stop talking about it and get closure. Actually, you've gone into overtime; you probably could have finished talking about the topic fifteen minutes ago and made a decision.

As a team member, you can help your team avoid the talk-a-thon by taking on a facilitation role called the Summarizer. Jump right in when you see this dysfunction arise. To do this you must allow for a healthy amount of discussion and listen attentively to the content. The first part of your job is to take what everyone has said and boil it down in to a concise, summary statement. The more you can pinpoint the similar or dissimilar views you've heard, the more helpful you will be.

The second part of your job is essential. Remember that your goal is to move the discussion forward so that you can gain closure and ultimately a decision. The best way to get it is to ask for it. "Since we agree that this is where we are right now, are we at a point where we can close on this piece of the discussion and move our focus to this piece? Or are we at a place right now where we can make a decision?"

Play the summarizer role for your team. You'll be amazed at how many more decisions you will make. Your team will love you for it.

"Hey, No Problem"

A team without conflicts is faking it. Like taxes and death, conflict among team members is inevitable. If your team doesn't appear to be experiencing conflict, but your effectiveness is below par, you may be suffering from the "Hey, No Problem" disorder. This disorder, left unchecked will be the biggest stumbling block to your team's progress.

The next time you hear a teammate say, "Hey, no problem", check it out. Make sure there really is no problem. This response is often an attempt to avoid conflict. The person responding knows there is a problem but in an effort to maintain some semblance of harmony, she decided to skirt the issue and end the discussion. Your interaction then begins to resemble a duck swimming across a pond. On the surface, you're gliding along smoothly but underneath you're paddling furiously just to say afloat. If is, of course, a false sense of harmony.

High-performing teams experience many conflicts. They also understand the value of working conflicts through to resolution. Striving to achieve true harmony, they address both personality and work-related conflict immediately.

When you sense that team members are attempting to ignore or smooth over a conflict, don't let them take the easy way out. The long-term effect of saying "Hey, no problem" is devastating. As a team member, you can make a significant contribution by playing the Harmonizer. Your primary intervention in this role is to get the issue out on the table and move the team from a problem-avoidance mode to a problem-solving mode. You don't necessarily have to know the solution; use the team resources for that. The Harmonizer helps the team to embrace and welcome conflict as an opportunity to grow and develop. Simply expose the conflict by saying, "We've got a problem here. Let's see if we can work it through". You'll be a healthier team for it.